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Every relationship has its ups and downs, but until now we’ve had to ride the rollercoaster like everyone else. Fortunately, there is a simple and effective way to help your relationship run a little bit smoother.

Psychologist Linda Papadopoulos has just released a new book, What Men Say, What Women Hear available from http://etrader.kalahari.net/referral.asp?linkid=5&partnerid=5526&sku=33222576 which says that using CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) can help improve all relationships. ‘The principle of CBT is simple,’ explains Linda. ‘It means we think before we have an emotional reaction, which is important as there are common thinking errors when it comes to relationships and arguments.’ To stop heated fights, Linda has come up with three mind tricks using CBT, for couples at any stage of a relationship. ‘These tips are important,’ says Linda, ‘because it’s so easy to get caught up in the cycle of negative thinking and make things worse for yourself, which can lead to you destroying your relationship.’ Read on for Linda’s three relationship-saving tips.

Trick One:

Keep a thought diary

One of the key things that ruin a relationship is irrational thinking – where you focus on the negatives without any evidence. So this trick will make you look again at your thoughts before you jump to negative conclusions. Draw four columns on a piece of paper and think about how a situation has upset you. Label the columns – 1. Emotion; 2. Negative automatic thought; 3. Alternative thought; and 4. Emotion.

The situation could be coming home to find your boyfriend watching rugby with empty beer cans all over the floor. Your first 1. Emotion might be anger and your 2. Negative automatic thought might be, ‘He doesn’t love me enough and expects me to do everything for him’. In the 3. Alternative Thought column now explain how his behavior upsets you. For example, ‘When you don’t tidy up, it makes me feel like you don’t care’. Then look at 4. Emotion again – do you still feel so strongly? How will you act now? Tracking your emotions helps you work out how you feel, instead of thinking the worst.

Trick Two:

Use the mishear tool

Women are more likely than men to get paranoid or angry over an off-the-cuff remark from a partner. Next time you start getting upset by his comments stop and say: ‘This is what I heard… but what did you mean?’

It’s called the mishear tool. It’s only a small thing but it makes a massive difference, as it gives him a chance to explain what he really means so you don’t immediately take it the wrong way. For example, if your man says: ‘Do we have to go to your mom and dad’s again this weekend?’ it doesn’t necessarily mean that he doesn’t want to see your parents – he might just want to spend more time with you alone. It’s also important to stay neutral and calm when you ask him and don’t snap, ‘And what did you mean by that?’, as it’s even more likely to cause an argument.

There’s a lot of mistranslation between men and women, as guys are more straightforward and direct, as women tend to be more emotional – we just need a bit more clarity.

Trick Three

Look at ’shoulds’ and ‘have tos’

Women spend a lot of time listening to what other people say about our relationship, which puts pressure it. For example, you might not mind your man going out one night a week, but then your friends make a comment about it that makes you feel angry, as he’s not spending enough time with you.

To stop this you need to ask, ‘Why am I thinking this’ then make a list of your ’shoulds’ and ‘have tos’ to work out what’s important in your relationship. There could be things like, ‘He should be on time or he doesn’t love me’ or ‘I have to please him or our relationship is going to go wrong’. Then look down the list. How realistic are they? Where did they come from? Is it something you really want or is it something you think you should have? This will help you clarify what you want rather than just measuring your relationship against other peoples.

Your boyfriend might not behave like your friends’ men, but if he’s doing the things you need him to do this trick will help you focus on your own relationship.

For more articles on sexual health subscribe to Sandra Prior’s online newsletter at http://intercell.shacknet.nu.

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